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    Msg  #  :  10287 – Sunday July 17th From   :  STORMBRINGER SOULSTEALER To         :  ALL Topic    :  STAR TREK Hi, I never explained this on the summary so I better here (for those of you playing Star Trek for the first time)……………………… STR: Strength INT: Intelligence DEX: Dexterity END: Endurance CHA: Charisma LUC: Luck PSI: […]

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    =====[  Dragon World  ]=====[  7-20-88  ]=====[  10:42.42  ]===== Msg  #  :  Private From    :  LONGSHOT  . To         :   A VAZDRU PRINCESS Topic    :  IT’S LATE, CAN’T TALK I think I cracked a knuckle. I ruined my apartment. The place is trash ’ed. I feel like scum-dirt. Worst night of my life, and just after the […]

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Posts Tagged ‘worthy’

Inspiration

Posted by Amanda Gray on March 11, 2013

Where does inspiration come from?

Have you ever thought to ask?

Yesterday, I rearranged a few things in the store where I work.  Inspiration struck me an hour before the end of my shift, and even as I finished the arrangement, I knew the idea wasn’t entirely complete.  Perhaps my co-worker would add to it and make it better.  Or perhaps we could discuss the idea the next day and discover where to go with it.  Yet, as I walked home, I felt that it was more likely the changes would be disapproved and my work would be changed back.  It was just a question of how long it would take.

This morning I arrived for my shift and it was already reversed.  My idea didn’t even live a day before it was killed!  Squashed like a bug before it even had a chance to breathe!  AAARGH!

It was funny, because I knew it would happen.  Yet, at the same time, I was angry and hurt.  I blamed my co-worker.  I wanted to point out how, regularly, I’d compliment her ideas, and even when I didn’t entirely appreciate her contribution, I wouldn’t consider invalidating her creativity by (how RUDE!) reversing her work!  Still, as a student of A Course in Miracles, I eventually opened my mind and asked to see the situation differently.

Since it was an ‘idea’ that I thought was rejected, I asked, is the idea MINE?  Do I POSSESS this thing called an ‘idea’?  Where did the idea come from?  Did I make it?  The idea came from inspiration… where does ‘inspiration’ come from?  Did I make that?

I had to laugh.  No, of course I don’t make inspiration.  God makes inspiration.  That’s why God is Cause and why I’m an effect.  I receive inspiration and act on it.  Is it up to me what happens after I act on an inspiration?  Does it matter if my co-worker dislikes it?  Is it up to me what the outcome is?  Do I know what God planned when the inspiration was given?  Do I think I’m ‘specially’ valued by God (the Authority) when an inspiration is bestowed upon me?  Do I think I’m devalued if a ‘special’ inspiration is bestowed upon someone else?

By invalidating my idea, I felt that my co-worker was invalidating ‘me’.  That I’m not welcome to participate in the store and that she doesn’t care about me.   Hmmm… this thought of “others not caring about me” has been a common theme lately, particularly when it’s an ‘authority’ (she’s an elder) who doesn’t seem to care.

If I want an authority figure to care, what I really want is for the ultimate Authority, God, to care.  And to SHOW me He cares.  How?  By treating me SPECIAL.  I want to be loved SPECIALLY.  Could an all loving God love anyone SPECIALLY?   My studies say that God loves all EQUALLY.   Yet my mind – being what the personal mind is, swinging always between extremes – thinks, “Well, if You won’t love me specially, then I must be totally unlovable.”

… and thus, I create a witness to my belief who will treat me carelessly (my co-worker).  So I can justify my unlovable belief and be RIGHT.  So I can make someone else the bad guy.  What?  Who me?  No, I didn’t think of myself as unlovable – it was HER!

The co-worker’s rejection of my idea, as a rejection of ‘me’, is much like how I’ve rejected my Self.  Specifically, the parts of my Self that I don’t like… like ideas I’ve had in the past that were BAD ideas.  Am I an idea?  How can I expect to be a whole, lovable being, if I’m constantly dividing myself into parts!?  This part’s good, and lovable, but this part’s bad, and unlovable.  Geesh!  Nuts!

Also, if I think others aren’t caring about me, am I caring about them?  Is one lovable, while another one isn’t?  Is one only lovable when they do something particular to show me they’re worthy of my appreciation?  By what standard do I judge that?

These are important questions.

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From Dust to Dust

Posted by Amanda Gray on December 29, 2011

Recently, I met several men who suddenly, and without any provocation on my part, expressed an attraction to me.  I considered it extremely odd because they’d just met me.  We hadn’t even had an entire conversation.  They had looked at me for less than 30 seconds, and this, somehow, gave them a reason for attraction.  I couldn’t understand it.  What, exactly, were they attracted to?

At first, I thought, “Is this guy SEEING me at all?”  Is he blind to my fat tummy and my blemished skin?  What’s wrong with him?  What is he seeing that I don’t see?

Then, this morning, as I sat down with A Course in Miracles, the understanding arose.

I spent a great part of my life trying to discourage men from being physically attracted to me.  I never wanted men to see my body at all.   I wanted to hide my body from them.  This is exactly why I became fat, as a defence mechanism.  I’m saying, “Stay away from me.  I’m not attractive.  I’m ugly.  You don’t want this.”  Yet, why then, am I suddenly meeting men who are blatantly attracted to me in this way?  There must be something that I want to recognize from this experience.  Perhaps I DO want them to see my body.  Perhaps I DO want them to be attracted to my body.  Why do I want that – when I don’t THINK I want it?

It’s because I have BELIEVED that if they see my body, if they’re attracted to my body, and they embrace me and have sex with me, then I’ll be OK.  It will mean that I’m acceptable and worthy.  It will mean that I’m LOVED.  But I’ve been entirely mistaken.  Just as mistaken as these men are when they invite me to see them as a body.

As an alternative to getting men to approve of me through physical intimacy, I tried to learn to love myself, my body.  But today I realize that I can’t love my body, a body, any body.  A body is just DUST.  About the body, Jesus said, “From dust and to dust returneth.”  Mother Teresa called the body a “distressed disguise.”  A person doesn’t have to have leprosy to be in a “distressed disguise” – we are ALL in distressed disguises!  The body is distressed because we project all our hatred onto it.  We make it fat and stinky and deformed because we believe we have DEFILED ourselves.  We can’t accept the defilement, so we put it into something outside of ourselves, as if that way, we can separate it off and be free of it.  Yet, this is another mistake – an illusion.  We never defiled anything.  And the body isn’t REAL.  It’s a DISGUISE.  We gussie it up, flatter it and promote it, trying to make it into something meaningful – trying to get others to recognize the meaning we invest there – but it’s nothing.  It’s DUST.  Dust that simply disguises what we TRULY ARE.

We can’t LOVE the body, because somehow, deep inside, we know it’s a lie.  We keep trying, we keep pretending, because we don’t understand, or accept, the truth.  Two bodies bump up against each other in a strange act of pleasurable pain, and we think it’s the closest intimacy we can achieve together.  Yet, the bodies always part with feelings of sadness and disappointment.  We thought we could get what we wanted in that intimate act of bodies, but then… we didn’t.  We tried again, and again, but it always ended the same way.  We never got what we wanted.  Why?

It’s because SPIRIT is what we truly are – ONE spirit, without any separation into this body, or that body – and it’s this spirit that we LOVE.  The spirit is EASY to LOVE.  It’s really, really difficult to love a body.  We can accept a body, and even, perhaps, extend love to a body, but it can’t be what we truly, unconditionally, and without any reservation, LOVE. 

Spirit is what we really WANT.  That and ONLY that.

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Posted in Sex & the Body | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Comments Off on From Dust to Dust

It Doesn’t Matter (Part 2)

Posted by Amanda Gray on July 28, 2011

I must clarify a few things from my last article. First, I must mention that everything I post is merely provisional. Provisional, because I may learn something further or refinements to the learning may take place. My access to truth is still biased by perception and what may ‘feel’ like I really GOT it, is more likely a flash of truth, just as it’s hijacked by the ego. Drive by truth. Zooooommm. Are there grains of truth in what I write? I like to think so, particularly when I’m writing from clear inspiration, but since I haven’t realized the ‘essence’ of spirit (with the opening of the third eye), I can’t really expect to discern the wheat from the chaff at this point. I present what I can, the best that I can, and that’s all any of us can do anyway.

Secondly, I wanted to clarify from my last article what ‘doesn’t matter’. What I mean is, specifically, that PERCEPTION and FORM don’t matter. Perceptions via thoughts, feelings, judgements, opinions, etc., and forms via bodies, objects, places, life situations, etc. As I currently understand it, the physical experience is not PERSONAL. Anything that shifts and changes is inconsequential because it’s subject to decision, and many, if not most, decisions are based on random judgements. A person can only make the best choice they can make in the moment, on whatever limited information they have at the time, and then whatever results after that isn’t up to them – so it’s not personal. If I accept that any thought or feeling I have about myself, others, or the world is a random judgement, and if I observe the judgement as it arises, then I can recognize it’s meaninglessness and let it go. For example, if a thought arises that my job is ‘too hard’ and I choose to believe that thought, then I’ve limited my ability to perceive the job as it is. If I continue to believe the job is too hard, I will attempt to justify the belief, collect evidence that backs it up, and the job will, indeed, become too hard.

The beauty of ‘it doesn’t matter’ is that it takes my attention away from all the perceptions and forms that are, of themselves, meaningless, and I can stop attempting to invest arbitrary meaning where there is none. So if I think that my job is too hard, then I might think it ‘means’ that I have to get a different job. If I observe the original thought, then I can decide instead that the job is, more truthfully, sometimes hard and sometimes easy. Then the job means nothing. It just is what it is. A job, to make money, to live.

The main thing I’m clearing up for myself, is that it doesn’t matter what FORM a job takes or how I choose to perceive it.  In the past, I tended to emphasize having to BE something particular and that I needed a particular JOB to justify my worth in the world.  I now see that I can have a job, any job, and still BE worthy because my worth isn’t, in any way, attached to the form.  I now see that I can perceive my work any way I decide to, and I don’t need to attach my personal worth to it.  I can decide that the job meets my objective for the moment – to make money to live – and that’s all it needs to do.

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