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Archive for the ‘Sex & the Body’ Category


Posted by Amanda Gray on August 6, 2015

I’ve been invisible.  It’s not as cool as you might think; like Harry Potter and his Cloak of Invisibility, sneaking around, spying on secret conversations.  No, it’s not like that.

First of all, I don’t know when I’ve gone invisible.  Everything is normal in my experience.  I only know I’m invisible through the consequences of not being seen by others. Like, for example, nearly getting run over in the middle of the street.  And, before you ask, no, it’s not like the driver was just distracted.  I have observed cars driving by me, with multiple occupants, none of whom were seeing me – and literally, looking beyond me – as if I wasn’t there.  It’s pretty unmistakable, and I’ve encountered it more than once.  There was a period of time, in fact, where it was happening rather regularly.  Until I decided I didn’t like almost being killed in the street, and then those particular occurrences stopped.

I bring this up today because I’m seeing a common thread of this ‘invisibility’ issue in my consciousness.  Fifteen years ago, just before I started on my spiritual journey, I had been a mad seeker of fame.  A sudden epiphany led me to realize that this seeking was due to feeling invisible and needing others, not just 1 or 2 others, but the whole world of others to pay attention to me, to recognize me as being special.  I thought that when I was famous, I would feel special, and therefore, loved.  I’ve had many years now to look at this prior seeking behaviour, and I thought I was done with it.

Bond_Faceless_ProfileYet, now I see it’s come up again, in a seemingly different way.  In the past couple of months, I’ve become completely, obsessively, boy crazy!  It started with a surge of desire, perhaps energy in the root chakra that I was rejecting over the past 10 years that I’ve been practicing celibacy, but, whatever the case, it came on in such a torrent, that I couldn’t resist it.  I decided not to judge the desire, and went with it.  The desire wanted sex, so I went after sex.  There was a fellow at work, who I fixated upon at first, but when it became apparent that he was in a sound relationship, I joined the dating app, Tinder.  I chatted with a few guys, went on a few dates.  While my intentions were clearly sexual, I didn’t feel right about the ‘hook up’ thing.  When sex was offered too quickly, I rejected it.  Anyway, two months later, several first dates, a smattering of second dates, and joining a second dating app, OKCupid, alas, I’ve still not found the right person/moment to have sex.  The desires have diminished somewhat over that time.  I’m still interested, but it’s not as overwhelming as it was at first.  Now, I can take or or leave it.  Yet, I’m still boy crazy – ogling cute boys everywhere I go and flirting aggressively anytime I catch an eye.  I want their attention so badly, I’m like a wounded beast on fire, begging them to help me, “Please, put out my flames!”

And yet, they don’t… won’t… can’t.  There’s been interest from many corners of the Tinder-verse and OKC-land, but the interest seems to fade fast.  Young men who express interest in an ‘older woman’ cancel our first dates, or stand me up (and by young, I mean 25).  Men closer to my age drift before we get to a second date. By ‘drift’, I mean that I assume they’re finding someone younger and cuter, although actual feedback, when I’ve asked, assures me they’re still interested.  Perhaps interested enough to keep me hanging on as ‘backup’ but not interested enough to become more involved.  Whatever the case, I’m clearly not getting what I want, so I have to ask why that is.  Is my overweening desire blocking the actual fulfilment of it?

I recognize that my activities have been motivated by some crazy ego thing.  I was thinking that I was addicted to the attention – the attempt at specialness through the ‘getting’ of a boyfriend.  Yeah, that’s probably in there.  But today, I also realized that there’s a tremendous amount of fear behind this seeking.  What am I afraid of?  Well, I feel lonely.  So I’m afraid of being alone.  When no one is paying attention to me, I feel alone, empty.  The feeling of loneliness is like a burning in my heart – sooooo uncomfortable – so I make any attempt I can to distract myself and avoid it!  There’s a feeling of ‘desperation’ in there too.  For example, I’m desperately grasping for the attention of anyone who passes by my desk at work.  If these people don’t stop to talk to me, then what?  Why is that a problem?  Could it be that I’m desperate for them to SEE ME?  What if it’s, literally, that I need them to SEE ME, because I still fear being ‘invisible’?

A Course in Miracles says that the body doesn’t truly exist in the moment, it’s only ever an image that’s remembered or projected.  It only exists in the past or the future, and requires a belief in time  to extend or manufacture it.  So, I have to be telling myself some kind of story about it, believing the body and it’s story is useful to me in some manner.  Yeah, to attract a boy (really, don’t get me wrong, I mean a MAN, of course) and have SEX before I’m too old and nobody wants me anymore!  I have to say, it’s not entirely about sex either, I’m also VERY interested in CUDDLES.  Some men have offered cuddles and THAT, for whatever reason, completely blows a gasket in my brain-basket!  I WANT CUDDLES!!!  I’ve gotten some cuddles, on a few EPIC first dates, and some lovely kisses, but there’s never ENOUGH – and I WANT MORE!!  ARGHHHHH!!  And, there’s also love.  Where does love fit into this?  I want to give and receive love.  UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

Anyway, it’s all very curious, and, as usual, I don’t have any answers.  It’ll bother me until I let go of the attachments, and then it won’t.  Eventually, I’ll see through whatever bullshit is making me a crazy, obsessive monster.  Such is the way.


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What is True?

Posted by Amanda Gray on December 30, 2012

“I have done this thing, and it is this I would undo.” I was just reading that line in the Course this morning. My lesson today is to see that I have been trying to make this body valuable, but that the only value the body has is its use – like a pointed stick pokes, or a hard rock hammers.

As the body ages, gets sick, becomes weaker and weaker, fatter and uglier, the stronger is my urge to prove it’s usefulness. Is it only the belief that I AM a body that must prove itself? If I’m not a body, what am I? If I don’t use this body or those other bodies ‘out there’ to punish and hang guilt upon, what are they for? If “I am only here to be truly helpful,” what is ‘truly’ helpful besides the doing of a body? The truth of this physical world – that this body is, ultimately, entirely expendable – is like choking a bitter pill down a dry throat. Anger yields to grief. And that is why we don’t want to see this awful truth. It hurts.

Yet, can this be the whole truth? The body must yield to spirit… grief must yield to love… mustn’t they?

And with this small light of hope I look into my mind and ask again, “What is true?”.

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Embracing the Feminine

Posted by Amanda Gray on February 1, 2012

A dream:

– A friend is telling me about a wild, black cat he’s been feeding.  He also tells me a story about a similar cat, how it was lifted off its feet by an invisible force and when it landed after several feet onto it’s back, *poof*, it disappeared.

– I’m walking down a sidewalk.  It’s a pleasant summer day.  I observe the wild, black cat, and notice another, a twin, slink past as well.  I notice that the second cat has a collar around its neck.

– I hear bells ringing… and look down to notice a collar of bells around my right ankle.  Suddenly, a powerful force grabs the middle of my back, and pulls me off my feet.  As I fly through the air, I struggle, and hoarsely scream "NO!"

– I snap awake, terrified.


A cat (feline) is related to the feminine.  It’s black, which represents shadow aspects.  There are two cats, which represent duality.  An animal often indicates unconscious material that’s ready to come up into consciousness.  The more ‘friendly’ the animal, the closer the information is to conscious recognition.  The collar indicates ownership.  On my ankle, the collar tells me that I’m like the cats – and that I need to pay attention to balancing masculine (right side of the body) and feminine (feline) aspects in myself.  Bells indicate spiritual growth.  The powerful force is behind me, so I can’t see it, and I don’t want to see it.  It’s a power within me that I’ve denied, pushed to the back of my consciousness, and am now terrified of facing.  I’m afraid to land and *poof* – disappear.  It’s this power that ‘owns’ me, as long as I keep trying to repress it.

I got my monthly ‘friend’ the other day (my period).  I always feel the same about it – disgusted, annoyed, dirty and ashamed.  It reminds me of abuse in my childhood.  It reminds me of how much I hate having been born a ‘powerless’ woman.  That’s right, I have very little appreciation for my feminine side.  I think it might be the ‘power’ that I’ve repressed and that’s showing up in my dream.

I also caught myself the other day, whining to someone (a man I barely know) about how horrible it was to get a period.  He, being a vet, suggested that I get pregnant.  EWWWWW!!!  GROSS!!!   An even more horrible idea!  My A Course in Miracles lesson this morning (Text pages 560-564) talked about ‘unfairness’ and how it’s always linked to attack.  So if I think it’s ‘unfair’ that I’m a woman and have to tolerate having a period once a month, then I’m bound to attack myself.  The lesson also mentioned blood a few times:  "The blood of hatred" and "The bloodied earth".  Ok, Ok, Jesus, I get it!  I have to pay attention to this.

I was also thinking last night about love.  I wonder if I’m afraid of love because I confuse love with sex?  I reject sex for many of the same reasons I reject my curse… I mean, my period.  For me, sex equals guilt.  In the past, I’ve tried to minimize the sex-guilt conundrum by choosing partners that I saw as somehow ‘innocent’.  Like blond men.  Or younger men.  In the past seven years that I’ve been single and celibate, I’ve only been attracted to men who are guaranteed not to be sexually attracted to me: gay men, celibate monks, eunuchs (Ok, I don’t actually know any eunuchs, but if I did, I’d be attracted to them too).   Anyway, my point here is that, if I reject sex, perhaps I also reject love with a man because I believe that kind of relationship must include obligatory (yuck!) sex.  Perhaps, and what concerns me more, is if the belief system extends to rejecting love from Source (God) as well.

Do I imagine that the innocence I ‘lost’ in my childhood can be recovered through the innocence of another? Do I think I can ‘steal’ it back from them?  The Course would say that I never lost my innocence at all. It’s still here, I just denied it. Perhaps it’s Innocence (with a capital I) that’s the ‘power’ that abducts me in my dream. In my upside-down mind, I’m afraid of this innocence that I threw away because accepting it means that the guilt-self concept of myself must then *poof* – disappear.

This makes me think of the movie, "Henry & June".  Anais says sex makes her feel "so innocent".  Why do I think sex has to equal losing innocence?  Like Anais, I could decide that it increases innocence.  Which doesn’t mean I have to get out there and start getting it on with people, it just means I can start seeing it differently.  In truth, whatever ideas people project upon it, sex is, just as much as the body is, ultimately, meaningless.  It’s a basic confusion of the body with the Self.

And that’s where it stands at this point.  I’m praying about it and surrendering it to spirit for correction.  See, and that’s where I’d really like to acknowledge and embrace the feminine – for its gifts of surrender, acceptance, and receiving.


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From Dust to Dust

Posted by Amanda Gray on December 29, 2011

Recently, I met several men who suddenly, and without any provocation on my part, expressed an attraction to me.  I considered it extremely odd because they’d just met me.  We hadn’t even had an entire conversation.  They had looked at me for less than 30 seconds, and this, somehow, gave them a reason for attraction.  I couldn’t understand it.  What, exactly, were they attracted to?

At first, I thought, “Is this guy SEEING me at all?”  Is he blind to my fat tummy and my blemished skin?  What’s wrong with him?  What is he seeing that I don’t see?

Then, this morning, as I sat down with A Course in Miracles, the understanding arose.

I spent a great part of my life trying to discourage men from being physically attracted to me.  I never wanted men to see my body at all.   I wanted to hide my body from them.  This is exactly why I became fat, as a defence mechanism.  I’m saying, “Stay away from me.  I’m not attractive.  I’m ugly.  You don’t want this.”  Yet, why then, am I suddenly meeting men who are blatantly attracted to me in this way?  There must be something that I want to recognize from this experience.  Perhaps I DO want them to see my body.  Perhaps I DO want them to be attracted to my body.  Why do I want that – when I don’t THINK I want it?

It’s because I have BELIEVED that if they see my body, if they’re attracted to my body, and they embrace me and have sex with me, then I’ll be OK.  It will mean that I’m acceptable and worthy.  It will mean that I’m LOVED.  But I’ve been entirely mistaken.  Just as mistaken as these men are when they invite me to see them as a body.

As an alternative to getting men to approve of me through physical intimacy, I tried to learn to love myself, my body.  But today I realize that I can’t love my body, a body, any body.  A body is just DUST.  About the body, Jesus said, “From dust and to dust returneth.”  Mother Teresa called the body a “distressed disguise.”  A person doesn’t have to have leprosy to be in a “distressed disguise” – we are ALL in distressed disguises!  The body is distressed because we project all our hatred onto it.  We make it fat and stinky and deformed because we believe we have DEFILED ourselves.  We can’t accept the defilement, so we put it into something outside of ourselves, as if that way, we can separate it off and be free of it.  Yet, this is another mistake – an illusion.  We never defiled anything.  And the body isn’t REAL.  It’s a DISGUISE.  We gussie it up, flatter it and promote it, trying to make it into something meaningful – trying to get others to recognize the meaning we invest there – but it’s nothing.  It’s DUST.  Dust that simply disguises what we TRULY ARE.

We can’t LOVE the body, because somehow, deep inside, we know it’s a lie.  We keep trying, we keep pretending, because we don’t understand, or accept, the truth.  Two bodies bump up against each other in a strange act of pleasurable pain, and we think it’s the closest intimacy we can achieve together.  Yet, the bodies always part with feelings of sadness and disappointment.  We thought we could get what we wanted in that intimate act of bodies, but then… we didn’t.  We tried again, and again, but it always ended the same way.  We never got what we wanted.  Why?

It’s because SPIRIT is what we truly are – ONE spirit, without any separation into this body, or that body – and it’s this spirit that we LOVE.  The spirit is EASY to LOVE.  It’s really, really difficult to love a body.  We can accept a body, and even, perhaps, extend love to a body, but it can’t be what we truly, unconditionally, and without any reservation, LOVE. 

Spirit is what we really WANT.  That and ONLY that.


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