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    Msg  #  :  10287 – Sunday July 17th From   :  STORMBRINGER SOULSTEALER To         :  ALL Topic    :  STAR TREK Hi, I never explained this on the summary so I better here (for those of you playing Star Trek for the first time)……………………… STR: Strength INT: Intelligence DEX: Dexterity END: Endurance CHA: Charisma LUC: Luck PSI: […]

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    =====[  Dragon World  ]=====[  7-20-88  ]=====[  10:42.42  ]===== Msg  #  :  Private From    :  LONGSHOT  . To         :   A VAZDRU PRINCESS Topic    :  IT’S LATE, CAN’T TALK I think I cracked a knuckle. I ruined my apartment. The place is trash ’ed. I feel like scum-dirt. Worst night of my life, and just after the […]

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Archive for the ‘Failure & Success’ Category

A Formula for Life

Posted by Amanda Gray on June 25, 2014

Tremendous bit of news to start: I moved to the most beautiful place on Earth!  I am now living in the stunning and mind-blowing Pacific Northwest city of Vancouver!

Vancouver Seawall


Getting here, mind you, has been a challenging exercise, and the city hasn’t quite opened it’s great arms to my full participation yet.  I’ve been applying energy in every direction I can think of; dipping my toes into a wide assortment of potential activities, tippy-toeing down myriad paths of possibility for groups and collaboration; and after 2 months, I still haven’t quite got my groove on. 

The main thing, of course, is for some income. My mom and I have both been bleeding green for months now. I keep reiterating that it can’t go on like this forever, that money has to flow back to us eventually. It’s the fundamental nature of energy.  It’s science. It’s truth. And yet, every day continues to show itself as another day of spending, spending, spending. Yikes!  Ok. Fine. I repeat my favourite mantra; TRUST. I have to trust.  Everything is being taken care of.  Worrying about it will make no difference.  The energy will move when it does, and not a second sooner.  But it’s wearing on me – on us.  And we’ve had many, many moments of anger, and disagreement, and fear, and frustration, and tears, to tangle with, then to release, discuss, and forgive.  So, if nothing else, we’ve certainly been doing our spiritual work!  Continuous and ongoing!

I had one job interview.  Only one – but it’s a super good one – for a job I would REALLY enjoy.  At a gorgeous new arts centre close to home.  I don’t think I could do much better – it aligns so clearly with all the aspects of work I’d want. It finally seems that I’m ready to clear away some majorly dysfunctional divisions in my mind, and, in particular, an idea that I could have a Mc.job that paid the rent OR I could have creative work that I wanted, but never both. This idea kept me in jobs that I didn’t much like, always craving to be someplace else, but never able to get to that mythic holy land of creative fulfilment. If I created or performed, it was a hobby, enjoyable and collaborative, but short-lived, and almost always zero budget. If I earned income, it’s often been with repetitive functions, with little opportunity for creative expression or collaboration with others, and, usually, short-lived as well.  You see, because I was never truly committed to either side.  Both sides presented some difficulty or danger.  I get money, but sell my soul – I express myself creatively, but starve to death.  Jeesh!

Well, now I’m finished with all that nonsense.  Now I’m simply asking for EVERYTHING I want.  I want work I can approach with my WHOLE MIND.  My logical, analytical, technological left brain AND my playful, creative, spontaneous right brain – all together for the first time in my life!  I want to collaborate creatively with others, take responsibility for a bigger picture, use technology to organize data and create networks, and to challenge, play and evolve every day with something vivid, fresh and delightful!  This word – evolution – it’s a PARTY in my mind right now – I want to EVOLVE in every direction all at ONCE!!  I feel ready to push through all barriers of dualistic thinking, and move in a whole new way – EVERY WAY – ALL WAYS!

As I recently created an infographic resume (using, I developed a motto for my work – actually – in fact, it’s more of a formula that encapsulates my recent philosophy of life.  It goes like this:


care + attention = excellence


This simple formula can be applied anytime, anywhere, with any thing, person, object, goal or activity.  In every way.  In all ways.  It will always ensure the same result.  It’s science.  It’s truth.  It’s the formula for my life now.  Income, or no income – all I need is to look around me – at the stunning creation that’s springing to existence in this marvellous city at every remarkable moment – to nod an acknowledgement to it’s shining divinity – to bow in awe at it’s unknowable, vast, tumult – it’s light-speed velocity – and remember that I am ONE with it.  I can’t be left behind.  When I open up, relax and go with the flow; give this moment, every moment, my full care and attention; allow myself to expand, expand, and expand some more; then the excellence of life surrounds me, invites and welcomes, and embraces me.  Ahhhh….



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The Truth in Dribs and Drabs

Posted by Amanda Gray on June 12, 2011

I have been so deceived. And what a mighty deception it has been. Truly, a whopper. I honestly thought I was here in the world to do something. I had successfully turned away from the illusion that I was here to buy something, but it has been many, many years that I have been held in the sway of this other false premise – to DO.

I have seen people, like Yo-yo Ma, for example, who seem to have something to do in the world. He gets up every day and plays the cello. He doesn’t change his mind about playing the cello. He doesn’t wake up suddenly one day and decide to play the flute instead. He’s put a lot of time, effort and commitment into this ONE thing. As far as I can see, he really wants to play the cello, all the time! He plays, and many other people enjoy his talent and his passion for music. It seems to be his singular great calling. I have seen other people who decide to become doctors. They complete numerous years of schooling, many more years of internship, and years and years after that of their own practice – and they never seem to change their minds about it. That doctor is purely committed to that ONE thing. So it seems reasonable to think that I, also, should have ONE thing that is purely my thing – my calling – to do in this world.

I have looked for that thing, high and low. Looked and looked, but nothing seemed quite right. I have never felt able to make a solid commitment – to any type of career, or to any particular way of life, or to any one person. Perhaps, it’s more accurate to say that I’ve been commitment phobic. I change my mind regularly, and make frequent psycho switches into vastly contrary fields of work. I have never married or had children. Yes, exactly – those would be FAR too great a commitment! What have I been truly interested in? Spirituality. So, perhaps, I should be a great teacher, or a healer, or a poet, or… well, there must be something God wants me to DO here.

Over the past few days, I’ve been watching a number of David Hoffmeister videos on YouTube. In one, he talks about how the Course in Miracles describes the world. He says that the world was made as an “attack on God.” Yes, I’ve read this in the Course too, but I didn’t believe it. Even a few posts ago, in Whisper the Words I Don’t Want to Tell, I wrote about the Course lesson to “give up the world,” and I expressed that I couldn’t quite believe that one either. David goes on to say, in this video, that it’s the ego’s job to keep us thinking that we’re in the world to DO something. Do, do, do – and maybe someday I’ll DO enough to be worthy. Someday, I’ll be like Yo-yo Ma. Someday, I’ll be like Mother Teresa. Sure, I’ve tried. I’ve tried, at least, 3 billion times. Yet, you know that deep feeling, the one that we all seem to have, but tend to ignore and repress, that there’s something’s fishy going on here? THAT feeling is the one that’s TRUE! Just like George Harrison sings in a song called “Fish on the Sand.” YES, YES, YES, it’s TRUE! Don’t ignore that feeling! David corroborates it in his video: YES, we ARE fish on the sand! God did NOT send me here to DO something. God didn’t SEND me here at ALL. Remember what I wrote in my last post, A Night at the Improv? I DID IT TO MYSELF. I have suffered in this world because I thought there was something I wanted here. I WAS WRONG.

There is, truly, NOTHING in this illusion that I want. I can stop searching now. I can stop endlessly DOing. I don’t have to do something to make myself worthy. I’m worthy of love/truth/God NOW. I don’t have to be a better person, or more self-less, or flagellate myself with guilt. Truth is already whole and I don’t need to make the ego good enough to get it. The ego can’t get it at all, in fact. It would try to possess something that can’t be possessed. Even what I was reading in the Course yesterday was about how the ego keeps trying to find truth in the illusion – but it will always fail. And that’s exactly what my experience of the world has always been: that I’m a failure. Yet, in truth, I’ve failed at NOTHING. I never wanted anything in the illusion anyway.

It’s taken a very long time for this truth to sink in. Like a butterfly, I’ve lightly landed upon these thoughts, only to float away with a breeze of forgetfulness again. This time, maybe, I really got it. Perhaps this time, I fully understand why I can’t commit to anything in the world. It’s because deep down, I KNOW that what I want isn’t out there. I know that if I commit to something in the illusion, I’ll only LOSE everything I really want.

ALL I WANT IS THE TRUTH. Not truth in dribs and drabs. Not inspiration like it’s being squeezed out of a toothpaste tube. I want ALL of truth. The truth that can’t be broken into degrees. Do I want 10% of truth? 50% of truth? I clearly don’t want anything more of the illusion, where everything is a matter of degree. How often have I wanted more time? In that desire, I put truth on hold, and have lost the truth of infinite time. How often have I wanted more square footage? With that desire, I lost the truth of infinite space. How often have I desired peace and freedom, looking first to the world to find them? I suspended real peace and freedom while I searched for them in the wrong place! How often have I desired to DO something within this illusion and so lost the infinity of my true BEING?

Thus, my interest in the world has waned, and then waned some more. It’s been a gradual decline… first, I stopped wanting to go to work and to go out to big social events. Now I’ve stopped wanting to go out for walks in nature, or read my spiritual books, or watch TV. So, I’m losing interest even in enjoyable activity. Some might say I’m becoming depressed or agoraphobic. I’ve been clinically depressed, so I know it’s not that. I doubt it’s agoraphobia. I think I’m just getting what I’ve actually always wanted. All my worldly desires are being packed up and shipped to Never Never Land. I’m about to be totally and perfectly successful! Whew!  Finally!!  Mine eye is single, upon one thing only: TRUTH.

So mote it be. Amen.


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A Course in Miracles - The Movie

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No One Can Fail Who Seeks to Reach the Truth

Posted by Amanda Gray on May 11, 2011

Today I seek and find all that I want.  My single purpose offers it to me.  No one can fail who seeks to reach the truth.
A Course in Miracles, Lesson131, Pg. 240

Last night, I listened to a recording by spiritual teacher, Adyashanti.  His teaching, like the Course in Miracles, is very direct.  It brought up some intriguing questions and inspiration:

  • If I’m waiting for the mind or my feelings to still, I’ll wait forever.  No waiting is necessary.  The truth – on every level of being (physical/spiritual) – is available immediately.
  • How is my apathy (anger, fear, etc.) seeing the world?  What would it say?  My apathy says, I don’t want to be here.
  • Then: Is it true? (That I don’t want to be here.)
  • Then, an inspiration: When did I first decide not to BE… HERE?  (Here, in the Self.)
  • Then: When did I first choose to hide my Self?

I’ve been working with this riddle of ‘hiding my Self’ since it first came up in a dream about a month ago.  Several of my consciously developed friends pointed it out as well, and I make it a policy never to ignore advice that’s corroborated by a couple or more sources.  I agree that it’s an important area to examine, but, so far, I’m not getting anything.  So, alas, it’s still percolating.  Perhaps the more direct questions, as above, will help further.

Adyashanti also said that the ‘instantaneous downloads’ of knowledge I’ve experienced on occasion, are natural to the Self, and that it’s actually natural to get them all the time.  Adya called it PRAJNA.  Yes, please, I’d like to have more prajna.  Continuous prajna.  That’d be awesome!

Also, after some further thought about the Course lesson from yesterday – about surrendering all value I’ve placed in the world – I remember that, yes, that is how it goes.  I had forgotten.  Of course, I can continue to play in the world, keep seeking endlessly for useless trinkets, and delay myself for eons, even, if I really want to.  But do I want that?  NOOOOO!!!  Because I really want the ONLY useful, meaningful thing there is: the Self.  I want to rest in the source, the ground, of my being.  It is, absolutely, the most important thing to me, but sometimes, it seems I forget, and then I have to re-focus and re-establish my intention. Adya suggested that it’s painful to leave the Self – and yes, I think that perhaps I’m conscious of that when I’m wandering and getting wrapped up in goofy worldly distractions.  Perhaps it’s related to a particular anxiety I’ve experienced lately too.  Perhaps seeking out in the world has truly become anathema to me now.  Well, that, or I’ve become agoraphobic.  So, really, I don’t know.  I’m just guessing.  Is it appropriate for me to relinquish the world at this time?  Is it natural to have lost most of my interest in it?  I want to take care that I’m not creating aversions, or rejecting it, or hiding from it, but it’s true that I see very little point in most worldly activities – and I don’t think it sees much point in me either, frankly.  That sounds funny, but it does seem to be letting go of me, just as much as I’m letting go of it.  So, it’s a mutual relinquishment.

Like my Course lesson says, I can’t fail.  Whew.  Good.  I’m really sick of being a total failure.  The spiritual path is sometimes difficult, and it’s certainly strange, but there’s nothing else for me to do.  Spirit has it’s own energy now and I simply need to follow… or I’ll be dragged.  Yeah, I think I prefer to follow willingly.


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Whisper the Words That I Don’t Want to Tell

Posted by Amanda Gray on May 10, 2011

I promised to be honest, didn’t I?  Hmmm… well, here it is.  I, absolutely, don’t want to write about this.  I don’t want you to read it.  Stop now, don’t go any further.  I mean it.

I would rather have you think I’m a genuinely spiritual person.  That after 10 years of study, meditation and prayer, I’ve developed something extraordinary.  That I can help you find love, success and happiness in this world.  The truth, if those are the things you want, is that I’m the last person you should listen to.

The truth is that I have no idea what this life is about.  I’ve spent 41 years trying to figure it out, and I’m nothing but a total failure.  That’s right.  I’m not mincing words here. A total failure.  Success, love and happiness have completely eluded me.  I have grasped at meagre scraps of short-lived pleasures, to merely return to the same, sorry, mono-state of disappointment.  The pleasurable doesn’t last.  What can I do to find lasting happiness?  As far as I can tell from my experience, lasting happiness cannot be found in this world.

Yesterday, I was talking about choosing directions, and I said that, left or right, any direction I tried to take in the past has provoked fear. And, really, it’s only become more and more fearful as I’ve aged, due to the underlying dread that, perhaps, I’ll NEVER get it right.  That, truly, EVERY path will be wrong, disappointing, and disastrous.  Could it be true?  Is this all there is?

What I appreciate about A Course in Miracles is that it’s a direct teaching.  Statements of high spiritual truth are short and in plain language.  Today my lesson is 130, on page 237:

It is impossible to see two worlds.

The lesson says:

Fear has made everything you think you see.

Wow.  Really?  I can’t, even remotely, wrap my mind around that!  It goes on to say that if I value anything here, then I’m not free, and I’m not seeing reality.  Don’t value ANYTHING here?  That’s totally depressing!  I can’t believe it. 

So, it’s good that the Course doesn’t expect me to believe it.  I’m just expected to follow the instructions and do what it says.  I’m, seriously, out of other alternatives.  I’ve been following the Course for six years… should I finally trust that it actually means what it says?  Is it truly offering me what’s in my own best interest?  Do I quit being lazy or re-interpreting the Course instructions?  Do I quit thinking that I know what I want or what to do?  Does it really expect me to surrender the ENTIRE world?  Everything I think I love? What happens if I do?


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