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Archive for the ‘Dream Interpretation’ Category

Back on the Bus

Posted by Amanda Gray on January 18, 2015

I had interviews last week for a new employment position.  Just before my second interview, I had an interesting dream:

I’m shopping with my mom, when, suddenly, I remember I have an interview at 11:30 AM.  As I look at my watch, I think that there’s no way I’ll be able to get to the interview on time.  I consider calling the employer to tell them of my mistake, or to reschedule, but then I remember that there’s a direct bus that could work.   

I find myself on the bus.  There’s several other people, but it’s not too full or too empty.  I start a conversation with someone next to me (a male).  I share my earlier fears and reveal my next fear: I’m wearing my shabbiest clothes – not at all appropriate for an interview!  I consider what I can do.  I decide that I’ll try to buy a nice jacket when I get off the bus, stretch the time, and be, perhaps 5 minutes late for the meeting.  There’s also some kind of discussion about my favourite movie of all time, which I decide is Star Wars, Return of the Jedi.  I consider that I should bring a DVD of this to my meeting – and I think I take a ‘back in time’ aside in order to pick it up at home.

As I get off the bus, I see that I have two minutes.  I race around the mall stores, but there’s too much choice, and there’s no jackets quickly apparent on the front racks. I’m wasting too much time.  So I decide to just take off the shabbiest clothing item I’m wearing, which is a white, threadbare vest, with several black marks on it.  

I get to my interview, which now appears to be with spiritual teacher, Adyashanti.  I join a group of students on the floor in front of Adya and his presentation whiteboard.  I have my DVD of Return of the Jedi and I notice that I’m wearing a nice, bright orange jersey top.  A perfectly sensible outfit for a spiritual student.  I’m entirely relieved. Edmonton City Bus

The dream tells me that I’m back on the bus – involved again with a community/group journey.  The bus isn’t parked anymore, nor is it predicting some sort of ‘end of game’ scenario (see post Erasing Programs, Rewriting Software).  It’s also interesting how every time my dream character thinks there’s a problem, it falls away with no effort.

The next item for attention is clothing.  Clothing has to do with the persona: anxieties about fitting in and being ‘well-suited’ for a new role.  Focus is on the upper body, which may be related to the heart.  White – the vest – is a color of light, purity, newness, and awareness.  But it’s also dirty and old, and I’m ashamed of it, indicating some self-worth issues.  And then I’m throwing it away, indicating a willing transition, and letting go of the past.  Discarding the shame.  Orange – the jersey top – according to my favourite dream resource (Cloud Nine – A Dreamers Dictionary) – is a color of “Balancing, creative expression, cutting through/penetrating, and female strength.”  Another book considers orange to represent nervous energy/anxiety.  I like the color, and it’s definitely energetic.  It also brings to mind ‘safety clothing’, fresh citrus fruit, and carrots.  So, I consider it a positive symbol in this context.

At the end, my meeting is with Adyashanti.  A symbol of spiritual guidance, enlightenment and love.  I become a student in the dream.  This, to me, indicates a very positive teaching/learning situation.  A decision to abandon little ego choices and choose, instead, with the higher holy Self.  I take this as a sign that I’ve truly kicked my ‘actor’ addiction – an egoic fantasy to ‘create’ myself.  That actor stuff never seemed to come naturally, and it never brought me much peace, just lots of effort.  So, I truly don’t want the egos tiny, self-serving goals anymore.  They’re not ever intended to be reached, actually, anyway.  Now, what I REALLY WANT is to cooperate with the universe, and trust that what’s simply given will bring me the greatest eternal gifts: peace, freedom, and joy.

Return of the Jedi was a movie I particularly loved when I was 13 years old.  This symbol comes up, first, because it may indeed be my favourite movie of all time, but also because it might be pointing to something specific about that TIME.  So, something that was happening around that age that’s arising in consciousness for healing now.  Emotions to be resolved.  What I can think of, that’s significant, is that it was the time of my first crush – with Luke Skywalker.  Something in his mysterious, dark cloaked entrance before Jabba the Hutt, his power using the force, and his brave actions saving everybody, really addled my hormonal and spongy teenage mind.  It was my first experience with ‘love’, and I think I felt that a movie character was ‘safe’ to love.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Since this dream, I’ve been hired for the company that was interviewing me.  Yippee!!  I feel like this dream was already predicting success, and showing me that it’s ‘safe’ to proceed.  I’m SOOOOOOO READY!!  And THRILLED.  And ON BOARD.  There’s also several symbols of the job situation itself that are interesting:

*  Keys: “A key part of yourself, the crux of an issue.  Keys unlock the doors of mystery; expose hidden/secret knowledge; lead to awareness/growth. They can represent release/freedom from entrapment, power, authority, honour (‘keys to the city’).  The union of opposites, therefore reduction of tension.”  I’d also add: security.  It also makes me think of the ‘Keymaster’ from Ghostbusters, who, in union with the ‘Gatekeeper’, opened a powerful portal.  And the Keymaster from the second Matrix movie, the one who had the key for Neo to get to the Architect.  Highly symbolically interesting!

*  Justice:  “Bringing equality, harmony or stability into a situation or relationship.  Asserting our rights and upholding the rights of others.  Balance in consciousness.”

*  School:  There’s that teaching/learning situation. Curiosity, play, and discovery.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In reference to the ACIM passages I listed in my last post (Erasing Programs, Rewriting Software):  Yes, symbols are meaningless, ultimately, but it doesn’t mean spirit can’t use them while we have need of them.  Everything is a message from spirit, if we take it that way.  All pointing to our ultimate function – the unification of consciousness.  And THAT’S my REAL job. 

 Red heartIn love

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Erasing Programs, Rewriting Software

Posted by Amanda Gray on November 12, 2014

I had this dream the other night:  Two busses in an underground parkaid.  One is in a well lit area, and as I walk around, a shadowy female body I’m with, tells me that it’s broken down and can’t be fixed.  I remember to myself that this was a bus I used to enjoy on tours with rock bands.  Then I find myself riding on a second bus, as a shadowy male driver tells me that he’s been instructed to park it where it can’t be seen, and he pulls into a narrow, shadowy spot in a remote corner of the parkaid.  Upon disembarking, I walk around and note that the parking spot is mostly enclosed with windowed walls, and that glare offers some additional obscuration of the bus.

My interpretation is this:

– Two of any symbol indicates a duality.  The broken down bus in the well lit area refers to a conscious decision I recently made to disengage with a particular duality that has caused me grief in my waking life for a long time.  The other bus, I’ll come back to in a minute.

– A bus symbol, as a community form of transportation, refers to a ‘journey’ I take with an organization or group, and the rock band ‘memory’ is the group I won’t be involved with anymore.

– The rock band, particularly glam rockers with black leather outfits and makeup – like KISS – are a symbol of my long held desire to be recognized in the world for my creative or performing ambitions.  It’s a rather powerful ego driven energy that craves attention, ‘scrambles’ in my mind for devices to achieve a very particular picture of how the desire may be satisfied, and yet, by experience, I know the desire, even if I achieve it’s goals, in whole or in part, will never abate, because it’s an endless, bottomless bucket.  This is the very thing I spent 14 years avoiding, denying, and trying to pummel down into submission.  Yet, energy can’t be killed, so it just gets divided into the subconscious and bounces around there as symbols of whatever’s not being expressed in my waking life.  So, just as I return to Vancouver, begin to let it free and start to express that ‘actor’ energy again in the world – trying to do it in a healthy, responsible way – it starts to produce this ‘scrambling madness’ quality in my mind.  I start to become obsessed with goals to get more attention, trying to make my body more beautiful to acquire what I crave, and yet then, constantly enraged at the body that’s clearly failing – getting too old and flabby – for the job!

The outer picture of my life showed me what’s happening in no uncertain terms.  It’s no coincidence that I went to a double feature at the cinema last week to see ‘Maps to the Stars’ and ‘Birdman’.  Both movies about famous people ‘scrambling’ to remain in the spotlight as they age.  Did I get the message from watching the movies?  Hell, YES!!  IN-FRICKIN-SANITY!!  Do I really want to pursue that insanity for myself?  Hell, NO!!  Then, a few days ago, as I recognized the scrambling thoughts arising in my mind, I made a concerted effort to say ‘no’ to them.  All day long, whenever they arose, I said, “No. Go away.  I’m not interested in you.  I’m not going to follow you or give any further energy to you.  I’m completely done with that.”  And I was.  And every time I reiterated my new desire to have peace instead of madness, the madness energy became smaller and smaller.  It seems to be gone now, and the dream indicated that it won’t be back, but I intend to be vigilant with even the most subtle risings, if they return.  This meinterstellar-movie-trailerntal effort is, I hope, the way to erase the energetic program and rewrite the software, once and for all.

– The other bus, being hidden in a shadowy spot, refers to a community association that isn’t known to my consciousness yet.  It’s on hold for the moment.  It tells me that I’m not going to be playing the duality – separation – game of the world anymore.  My new goal will be unified, from a unified consciousness, joining with others that share my core values, and moving forward for the highest best interest of the whole.  This symbol also reflects my worldly experience, because just that day, I’d had a job interview with a company that seems to reflect my core values, seems like something I’d like to do, and I could reasonably be offered the position… but they want a week to decide.  So, it could, potentially, be the community I’ll be joining, but I don’t know yet.  It’s on hold.  And maybe something else will arise in the meantime.  And maybe I won’t be offered the job in the end.  Who knows?

Another movie I saw the other day was ‘Interstellar’.  It also served as a reflection of desires within me.  Particularly, to be a ‘pioneer’ – an adventurer into the unknown.  I even used the word ‘pioneer’ in my job interview as I related how much I’ve always jumped at new projects, to enjoy exploring and learning new things, and to boldly go where no one has gone before!  This is what I do, what I’ve always done.  In fact, it may be that same ‘actor’ energy, from a positive perspective, as the motivator for my ‘role’, not just on a stage, but on the ‘stage’ of the world at large.  This experience we humans have is, when you really look, about worlds within worlds, dreams within dreams, stages upon stages, and reflections of reflections.  Isn’t it?

I have this vague feeling, like there’s something brewing on the horizon of my mind.  A cloud constellating around a bunch of ideas that have been floating innocuously about, and that, when they come together, in a crystalline fashion, they will create something entirely brand new.  A ‘vision’ for my life, perhaps.  A goal for the second half, perhaps.  I can’t jump on it too fast (although I’ve tried), because it’s still in parts and pieces so far, and I have to be patient, trust, and wait for the combining effect – the eureka moment.  Ugh.  It’s difficult for me.  I want to jump in!

Hmmmm… anyway… perhaps, perhaps….


ADDENDUM: 

I had a waking ‘dream snapshot’ shortly after this posting.  I’m distinguishing this phenomena from a regular sleeping dream.  I often refer to the parts of a dream that I focus on for interpretation as ‘snapshots’, because those particular images are like a still ‘snapshot’ in the whirlwind of multiple dream images, and they stand, somewhat, apart from the rest.  So, anyway, an image, just like the ‘snapshots’ I might glean from a sleeping dream, came to me when I was awake. It just popped into my mind and said, look at me!  It’s important here because it was also of a bus.  The bus was parked at the far end of a football field.  The open air stadium was empty of people and the sky was twilight.  The bus was parked perpendicular to the touchdown line, next to the goal posts, and had a big, neon blue, digital clock on the side, flashing 00:00:00.  Around the bus, were many other neon blue lights, flashing, as if in ‘celebration’.

Interpretation:  when I first thought of this image, I felt that it meant ‘touchdown!’ – like it was a confirmation that my activities of the previous day were a successful transition to my new community journey.  (I recently signed up with a website to do freelance voiceover work and have been submitting auditions like crazy.  And I’m feeling really great about the possibilities of the work.)  But, upon further consideration, I realize that it’s still a shadowy image, indicating information that isn’t fully conscious, and the bus is still parked.  I’m not on it.  I’m looking at it from far away.  And there’s no other people – no community.  Now I think it might be indicating the end of a game.  A game that I’ve been playing in my mind – the end of some cherished ideas about the world, my life and what it all ‘means’.  Do any of these symbols mean what I think they mean?  The Course in Miracles would say that all symbols are meaningless.  It’s only an attempt of my mind to put meaning on a thing that has no inherent meaning.

Lesson 1

Nothing I see in this room [on this street, from this window, in this place] means anything.

Lesson 2

I have given everything I see in this room [on this street, from this window, in this place] all the meaning that it has for me.

Lesson 3

I do not understand anything I see in this room [on this street, from this window, in this place].

Lesson 4

These thoughts do not mean anything.  They are like the things I see in this room [on this street, from this window, in this place].

As you see, it’s clear right from the outset of the workbook lessons.  So, however I attempt to interpret symbols, dreaming ones or waking ones, is it merely a fools game?  Because none of them mean anything?  And, I have to begin to see all symbols as the same – meaningless – in order to see past them to what’s real?  Dream-making, as I understand it, is the function of ego. Do I want to believe in dreams – illusions – or do I want what’s real?  Even if I don’t have any idea what ‘REAL’ is?

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Acceleration

Posted by Amanda Gray on April 19, 2012

Zippy! Zoom!

It’s a common idea among spiritual students, at least the ones in my circle, that a retreat begins the moment one commits to it.  This has certainly been the case before I’ve gone on retreats in the past and it’s been particularly noticeable for the past few months since I decided to attend a retreat that will begin in two weeks.  My lessons have accelerated and deepened.  There haven’t been the kind of startling revelations that usually inspire me to write a blog post, but it’s more like I’m swimming in this gentle pool of ideas that are shifting, swirling, inviting, welcoming.

The first thing that’s been going on is that I’m looking closer at my sleeping dreams and my waking dreams, and rather than examining the details of a particular dream, I’m considering the activity of dreaming as a whole.  One of the things I learned early on about my night dreams, is that when I was lucid, I seemed to have the capacity to “change the channel” of the dream, but I had no control of what would occur on the next “channel”, nor was I able (except once) to stop dreaming and wake up.  This is similar to my experience in waking dreams (the ‘real’ world) in that I can make a decision to change my life situation – a new place to live, a new job, a bigger house, a different boyfriend, etc. – but I can’t predict the outcome of that decision, nor, no matter how much I try, can I stop the dream from continuing.  Every time I open my eyes from a sleeping dream, a waking dream begins.  Therefore, dreaming, as a whole, is an activity that seems to proceed outside of my control.

This morning, upon waking from my sleeping dream, a thought arose: I’m still believing that I’m the hero of the dream.  Usually, my sleeping dreams revolve around the central character of “me”.  I might be an observer of the dream, like watching a movie where the activities of the characters have no effect on the “me” character, or I might be a participant in the dream, where the activities strongly affect the “me” and provoke the “me” to feel things and act in various ways.  There’s almost always a sense of urgency in the dreams in which the “me” is a participant, and fear is often the central emotion.  Sometimes, the observer “me” is outside of the body I would normally recognize as myself. 

Comparing this experience with my waking dreams, it’s very similar.  In the ‘real’ world, I identify myself with this body – mostly inside this body, but, on occasion, outside it – and the activities in my life situation provoke various feelings and actions. I can choose to stand back and observe the world or I can get involved as a participant.  In both dreams, waking or sleeping, I’m the hero.  No matter what happens to the other characters in the dream, I only care what happens to the “me” character.  I want only positive situations and pleasurable feelings to happen to the “me” character, and I act defensively if negative situations, or uncomfortable feelings, are happening to the “me”.

Which brings me to another idea that’s been shifting around in my consciousness: competition.  I never considered myself a particularly competitive person.  I’m not interested in sports or games, nor do I care who wins or loses in these types of situations.  Yet, if two pieces of pie were being served in a restaurant and I received a tiny piece, while someone else received a gigantic piece, I would be steaming mad!  If someone buds in front of me in a line, I would openly complain and verbally attack them.  Why is this?  Because I feel attached to this particular body, as the hero of the story, and I compete with others to ensure this body’s (perceived) gains and defend against its (perceived) losses.  The competitive feelings arise when I’m making a comparison of two things and perceive that something unfair is occurring.  If, instead, I realize that this body is no different from that body, that both are meaningless forms in a meaningless dream, then all impulse to separate, individuate, and compete is meaningless too.

Which then brings me to the idea: I must think I can create myself.  A few weeks ago, I was thinking about the beginning of my spiritual search 10 years ago when I completely abandoned my acting career. For some reason, at the time, I decided that acting and spirituality were incompatible and I totally tossed the baby out with the bath water.  For 10 years, while I focused on the self-concept of “spiritual seeker”, I rejected the self-concept of “actor”.   So I realized that there was a huge, for lack of a better way to express it, actor “energy” that I had been repressing.  I can’t help but notice that the repression of this energy in my waking life merely pushed it to express itself regularly in my sleeping dreams (see A Night at the Improv).  Reclaiming the actor energy, I experienced a strong desire to act again… specifically, to do improv.  Shortly following, I received a very clear instruction to put together an improv workshop in my town and invite one of my improv friends to come and teach it. 

I immediately set about all the preparations – renting a space at the school, placing advertisements in the local paper, hanging up posters – and the workshop is supposed to take place two days from today… except that… no students have called to register.  Huh.  Well.  That’s disappointing.  Why would spirit instruct me to set up this workshop, if it’s not beneficial for others to participate in?  Was I mistaken with the instruction?  Finally I asked spirit to help me see the situation differently. 

I realized that I was just attaching myself to self-concept again and that I needed to see beyond the borders of ALL self-concept.  A self-concept reflects the desire to create oneself in a particular image.  Which means that I must first believe that I CAN create myself… attaching myself to this particular body, defining what I want it to do, and then creating a situation that will satisfy whatever objective I defined.  Creating self also means I must assume the boundaries and limitations of my specificity, as it excludes other possibilities.  What happens if I take off all the boundaries?  What happens if I don’t call myself a “spiritual seeker,” or an “actor,” or a “body,” or even think of myself as the “hero” of the story?

Was the workshop arranged solely for the purpose of my awakening?  Was it a dream arranged only so I could recognize my faulty idea of self?  So I could see that I’m not inside the “idea” of “me”… or even “inside” the “me” character… or even “inside” a dream?

The dream continues… but if I’m not the hero of the dream, what am I?

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Fragments

Posted by Amanda Gray on February 14, 2012

Watercolor/Pastel.Title:Rahway

I had this dream a couple of days ago:

– I’m in a workshop of sorts, inside a big warehouse.  There is clay, moulded into flat squares on a table.  There are boxes of other materials too, metal and plastic shapes.  As I look at these materials I start to think about using them to make something.  I start to look for specific kinds of materials in specific shapes.  Then I think that the materials belong to my dad.

Interpretation:

Upon awakening, I realized how silly it was to take all those random materials and apply meaning to them, in rather random ways.  Does the mere presence of these materials indicate that I must do something with them?  Why do I think I need to create something out of them?  None of the materials resembled anything that ever belonged to my dad, so where would that random idea come from?  Perhaps it’s like what the mind does with random fragments in the world too, applying meaning, or doing, or ownership where there, truly, is none.  The materials are also neatly sorted into boxes, indicative of the minds’ tendency to keep things separate, organized and controlled.  What would happen if I dumped all of the pieces together in a big, chaotic mash-up?  Hmmm….

I had another dream this morning that was also full of fragments.  These fragments were, supposedly, from my theatrical past – old scripts, sheet music, photos, and other ornamental memorabilia.  I looked through this stuff to find the lyrics of a song because there was contention throughout the material and in my ‘memory’ about the last verse.  After I awoke, I could see that nothing in the dream was representative of my ‘real’ past in any way.  It was all totally random and imaginary, yet my dream character accepted it as ‘real’ and made up stories about it to further attest to its ‘reality’.

Can I apply these dream messages to my waking life?  To perhaps see that even what I consider a ‘real’ past is also made up of random, imaginary fragments that only continue to seem real because I continue to make up stories to validate it?

In A Course in Miracles, text page 602, it says:

"It is not they [the senses] that hear and see, but you, who put together every jagged piece, each senseless scrap and shred of evidence, and make a witness to the world you want.  Let not the body’s ears and eyes perceive these countless fragments seen within the gap that you imagined, and let them persuade their maker his imaginings are real."

Far out, man.  Deep.

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When the Devil Knocks

Posted by Amanda Gray on February 8, 2012

I watched a show called “When the Devil Knocks” last night.  It was about a woman, named Hilary, who suffered from Multiple Personality Disorder and it included a little of her therapy to re-integrate her various personalities.  It helped me to decode a dream I had early that morning:

– I’m in the kitchen of an open space apartment.  I’m across a red coloured bar/counter from a man.  I know that this man is a murder suspect and I’m the investigator on the case.  The murder happened in the apartment.  The man explains that he got angry and then forgot what happened.  I reply, “It’s what they call a ‘blind rage’, Mike.”

– I realize that we’re not alone in the room and I turn to see an old woman at the dining room table.  She’s in a wheelchair and she holds a lit cigarette.  “Where did you come from?” I ask as I approach her.  “I’m usually kept in that room,” she indicates a closed bedroom door.  I understand, “Oh, you’re the room-mate.”  She says, “I’m entirely under the direction of God.”  I reply, “Oh, I love people who’re under the direction of God.”  I touch her hand gently, then explain that I’m conducting an investigation in the kitchen, “At least that’s what they call it anyway,” I add flippantly.

– As I return to Mike, I see that he’s got a small steak knife stuck to the rim of his ball cap.  He boldly walks past me and out of the apartment.  I follow and call to him, “Mike!  Mike!  Please, don’t. Give me the knife.”  Mike gets into a large freight elevator.  Another man walks in front of me and hands him a small paring knife across the elevator door, “Here, I stole this one for you.”  The ‘friend’ walks quickly away.

– Mike takes both knives in his hands and abruptly exits the elevator toward me.  He puts both knife points under my chin, intending to stab me up through the face/neck.  I sweep with my right arm to block his attack, but I know it’s futile – or too late.

– I jump awake.

So, the hour program about the woman with multiple personalities, Hilary, helped me interpret this dream-riddle: 

– One of Hilary’s personalities was named Tim.  They explained that the Tim personality was the ‘friend’ of her abuser and the one that hated the original personality, Hilary, the most.  I realized that my ‘Tim’ was ‘Mike’.  Although my childhood abuse wasn’t enough to form complete personality separation, it was enough to create a fracture where I could store my murderous anger and rage – then repress and deny it.  This is also known as the core of the ego. 

– Clearly, ‘Mike’ wants to murder ‘me’.

– The elevator is how Mike will try to retreat back into lower consciousness, if I let him.

– The red counter in the kitchen relates to blood.  First, from the abuse, then later, from my period.  Also as a symbol of murder, passion and hatred.

– Two boys, Mike and his ‘friend’, because there were two abusers involved.  Knives, because my abusers used a knife.  Also, everything showing up in pairs indicates a split, or dualistic, pattern of thought.

– I’m playing the ‘investigator’ character.  The authority figure or judge.

– The old woman represents the ‘wise old woman’ archetype, higher wisdom or the Holy Spirit.  Mostly, she’s been kept ‘locked away’ in the bedroom.  She’s now free to make an appearance, but she’s still in a ‘handicapped’ state in the wheelchair.   I’m not allowing her to be fully helpful, or surrendering completely to guidance and direction from God.

The cigarette? Perhaps a symbol of a spiritual fire/torch that burns and cannot entirely be extinguished, no matter how much I might ever have wished it?

Then, of course, my A Course in Miracles reading was right on target. On Text page 582 about the “avengers knife in his own hand, pointed to himself.”  And on page 584 for the “murderer who stalks you in the night and plots your death…” etc.  The main point of the reading was that I DO THIS TO MYSELF.  I AM the attacker – no matter how much or in what ways I try to project it out on the world or on my body, or in what form it takes.  MIKE is ME.  He’s probably the ‘invisible force’ from the dream in my last entry as well (Embracing the Feminine).  At least now I got a good look at him.

I also intuited this picture – I call it, GETTING OFF THE SEE-SAW:

Duality See-Saw

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